I am probably the most lonely and scared person in the world right now.
When I was 18 I met a man, he was a Muslim I fell in love with him he treated me pretty badly. Fast forward 9 years and he decided he loved me and did everything the right way. I was patient and loyal to him he realised I was worth it. I moved to be with him and met his family they were not overjoyed but were friendly considering their religions attitude to ‘kaffirs’
Never gave the religious differences much thought but as I started to get to know them all I realised why he’d been the way he’d been for so many years and I realised that Islam is the greatest trick of the devil and the greatest divider and destroyer. I started to research it, I read the Quran too. One morning I woke up with the words ’77 days’ in my head. It felt profound I was moved to open my bible to psalm 77 it talked about crying out to god in despair it encompassed all the feelings I’d been having.
From that day on I began to randomly open my bible I started to voice my opinion to my partner about the evils of Islam and about his need for Jesus the great wiper away of tears the great comforter. I told him it is ok to cry to be weak to be human. As time went by every day I’d open maybe 5 or 6 times and it was always specific to my life. As this happened my partner began to become aggressive and volatile and sometimes just silent. Spiritual warfare was present in my home. One example is he grabbed me the once by the collar of my coat and threw me ro the ground. I opened to job ‘he grabs you by the collar of your coat and throws you into the dirt’
One day he got angry and tore up my bible. I rebuked him in Jesus name and he fell to the floor and sobbed like a child. That night he apologised for the first time ever in 12 years (by that point) he told me lots of awful things that happened to him as a child. I kind of knew he’d been abused it’s part of the religion this superiority and godliness given to the men of the family that makes them believe they can do whatever they want. I held him tight and we agreed to get a new bible the following day. When I woke up there was a rainbow I felt entirely filled with the holy spirit I felt amazing despite all he’d told me the night before I felt truly blessed. When we got home after a very emotionally close day we prayed together and then out of the corner of my eye I saw a page from my bible under the ironing board and I started to weep and said to him look that’s a message for you. I had cleaned the whole room the night before. I was so excited so filled with the holy spirit. It was Isaiah 48 and yes it was for him. He was visibly moved but got angry and stormed off upstairs for the evening. I praised god. Things got worse and so I left him for a week and he didn’t call me even once a d I was tearful and sad but walking down the road I saw a lady who looked extremely out of place standing on the corner dressed in purple. She smiled at me and waved and I felt an amazing feeling of love like ive never felt from anyone in my life. I went into the pub and saw a man sitting on a stool. He looked very Jewish. Round olive face, hooked nose he was staring at me almost through me I was terrified I felt he was watching me. Anyway in time my partner called and was upset and said he didn’t want to lose me. We spoke for five hours and I guess thats where my rebellion began. He said he wanted to get to know Jesus. I sent him home an when I slept that night I felt Jesus arms around me. I had a dream that I could t get across a lake and my partner told me he couldn’t carry me over and Jesus was standing across the other side staring at me sadly. I had a friend at this time a male friend who was loving and kind and understanding I think I was starting to have feelings for him but not like with my partner just a feeling of being understood. I wish now that I had realised the one who understood me the most was my lord and saviour who could see right inside my heart and soul.
So I went back to my partner and things were great for a while but everytime I tried to tell him who Jesus was he flipped out and so I thought this guy is wasting my time and I will not have Muslim children or children influenced in any way by Islam. He insisted they would eat halal meat I said that gives them a strong identity as a Muslim its not going to happen. So one day he beat me so bad that I couldn’t open my mouth I cried out to Jesus and again he fell to the floor weeping. This was not his style he usually was unashamed and unapologetic but I guess I knew the demons were within him. That day he was looking up and down the stairs holding me over them like he was trying to assess how damaging the drop would be. So I opened my bible and was told to leave. So I did. I told him when we argue I have nowhere to go so I got myself this little caravan a hundred miles away or so and he was very cooperative he said he just didn’t want me to leave him and that when these things happened it’s like a darkness came over him like he wasn’t in control. I understood that I was preaching jeuss message and the demons within him did not like it because only in that last two years was he ever physically violent towards me. When we got to the caravan I’ll never forget the look on his face it was appreciative like ‘this is a new start’ he left me a beautiful note the next morning saying he loved me and would see me soon. I read in my bible ‘stay close to god’
I did not.
I spent the first week in severe physical pain and being sick I did not call out to Jesus to help me it’s like I forgot him. My reasons for leaving became more about the abuse than the religious differences. I became a bitch. Within three weeks I started a relationship with my male friend. I started chain smoking I didn’t ever leave that caravan and I moped and let this guy pander to me and love me and do things for me. I told everyone what my ex had done to me. Meanwhile my ex started going to church and opening the bible at random and recording his feelings. He also started going to counselling. I defamed him to everyone we knew I was so tired of being let down by him. I became his enemy. I used to work with him and I took a redundancy payout from him rather than getting off my lazy arse and getting a job or doing some good for others. I became the devil. I was lazy, unkind, ungodly, bitter, tormented day and night by visions and dreams – fear is of the devil there is no place for it in the kingdom of heaven. His family even called me to apologise and tell me he could not live without me. This was my chance to be a Christian. Did I take it? No I was hostile. My ex started to really get into church and feel loved by Jesus I should have held his hand and stood by him. Did I go to church? No. I was reminded of this one day in the caravan as the bells rang for 45 minutes solid. I thought ‘I haven’t been to church for a while’ then they stopped ringing. Meanwhile I was letting this other guy fall deeply in love with me and for the first time ever I felt empowered and like I (excuse my language) didn’t give a fuck.
Several times my ex came down sobbing wanting to talk to me wanting to share gods word, leaving extracts from services he’d attended outside my door. I didn’t read any of them. He even followed me around town the one time while I pretended he wasn’t there. My physical ailments continued I had the oddest medical problems going. Oh how often I defied god in the desert. One morning I woke up sweating I had a dream that I was pregnant and god said ‘call him maher shalal hash baz’ my name, halal and my exs name. then in the dream a huge tall evil man said ‘when you are deliriously happy I will strike you down’ when I awoke I looked this name up online and low and behold in Isaiah there is a prophetic child born to a prophetess called maher Shalal hash baz which ironically means speed to the spoil quick to the plunder.
I went on holiday with my new man to a place renowned for lose living. The day before my whole face broke out in welts and swelled up but nothing was going to stop me going on holiday and pandering to myself some more.
My ex had found two shells on a beach and made us pendants out of them. The one night we were sitting at the table me an the new man and the lighter dropped onto the cloth and burnt a hole into it exactly the same shape as my exs pendant. I have photos. It was a punch to the stomach and I nearly went home but went upstairs and defied god once again. My ex had also bought me a beautiful cross which I’d hung up in the caravan. Around this time I was just getting warning after warning from the bible ‘I will give your men to other women’ look at you fulfil your lust as my holy symbol hangs above you’ ‘ you will be shamed in your nakedness’ etc. So I went to church with my dad. The night before I was so scared of hell Id really started to think about it and the sermon was entitled ‘hell’ the night before I’d held my cross and said Jesus Christ I don’t know what’s happening but please just take me to heaven now.
After the service I cried and my dad invited my ex back to our house to talk and for some reason I had this need to confess all my sins to my whole family. My dad got angry with me and told me to go home so my ex drove me back. I took his cross from the draw and put it on and wow I felt such a genuine compassion and deep lobe for him and then these words came out of my mouth ‘oh no youve lost your eternal salvation’ so I tore it off and heard ‘oh you are evil. This was the second time I’d heard gods voice the first time was I made my ex go to a medical appointment with me and I heard ‘be kind to baz’ and my disc in face which needed an operation slipped down and I started to weep.
I got really flustered with the cross incident I told him to go home. That night the cross whispered and in the morning it was not in my hand it was up on the side.
Every time my ex and I had hung out which I limited to three or four occasions that year it was like some kind of weirdness was going on. For example a guy dressed as he devil in the middle of the road made me thing ‘the devils trying to get in-between baz and i’ or leaflets on the surgery that had a picture of the devil on next to another leaflet called ‘the forgotten man’ and going to see another caravan and me with my Irish small town totally unusual surname being closely related to the woman. Anyway I ignored all that and started having visors of hell and bad dreams where I was walk g trough hell I could smell it and see all the torture methods used and saw myself burning and screaming so for some stupid reason I stopped sleeping. I prayed loads but it just continued. So my new man took me to the hospital and when I got there three people sat in front of me. I recognised Jesus immediately. the name ‘mary godsonrose’ was called out. I heard gods voice ‘come on hanniel please let us help you- I will help you write your book’ ( something I knew I should have been doing all year) about Islam and personality disorders and domestic abuse all being from Satan. I didnt even know what hanniel meant at that time. I stared and I felt an amazing feeling of healing all over my neck it was beautiful but all that went through my head was ‘ I want to throw her into the pit of hell’ when they left I ran after them shouting ‘jesus’ the man with the hooked nose and olive skin from the year before was there he looked deeply sad and troubled. I know he was god. I went into a doctor who asked me ‘crisis call?’ I said ‘I know what you’re doing just be quiet’ he looked quite bemused. Then I started to mistrust everyone like it was a big conspiracy and they were all in on it and knew I’d seen god. Couldn’t be further from the truth. They gave me sleeping tablets but that night I was a mess. My parents came down the next day and before they arrived I threw away all my writing and hid in a bush shaking.
I ended up in a mental health ward and the first night could not sleep because of the pulsing feeling of evil. Upon arriving a woman shouted at me ‘hi Jesus hi Jesus- you are disgusting you could have helped me and I’ve been like this all my life I don’t have a problem with (new partners name) but I have a problem with you. This continued for weeks me confused and demons outwardly attacking me and knowing my entire life story until one day I saw his guy and he sat in the foyer I recognised him as the devil and I rebuked him. 5 minutes later one f the women ‘gloria’ shouted at me ‘you ignore me to talk to the man upstairs’ and she spat on me. Another patient threw a cup of tea in my face and said ‘you never stop trying do you’ I was praying like crazy at this point it was completely insane the whole thing even all the patients were named after people I loved and the nurses were called fortunate and patience. I prayed dear god deliver me and 5 minutes later a team turned up to take me home but guess what? I didn’t go because they ‘looked demonic’ three days later I ha a tribunal and the day before I wad compelled to speak to the evil one. He even asked ‘now or next week’ that night I sweated profusely. God had tried to warn me that morning with a severe nosebleed and vivid dreams but i still did it. I didn’t get out at my tribunal and this demonic doctor who ‘disappeared’ after my case was grinning the whole way through. Before I spoke to him another women had turned up signed herself ce took me into a room and said ‘this is getting very serious now marie’ I had her out of there in minutes. She is untraceable and I know god sent her.
8 years ago I had a dream. In the dream I was in a big White hospital telling everyone the devil was in me and I had lost my soul they were all laughing at me. In the dream I got my leg caught up in a black cable with a pink green and blue wire coming out of it. In the dream demons were laughing saying you are going to hell but you better pray you go to hell. In the dream a girl i went to school with was a doctor. I’ve looked her up and she’s a psychiatrist.One week after I spoke to the devil this canle incident happened. When I saw that cable outside on my walk I felt sick and so scared.
I am at home now but every day I wait for something bad or evil to happen. My naturally joyful and loving personality is gone I have let down my god just by being human and confused but having had such direct contact from him I should have been putting on the armour of god and living a sinless life. The devil even had me convinced the world had turned islamic at one point! This was when the first social worker turned up. I asked her ‘do you know what this is about’ she said yes- jesus needs you I said ‘will my family get hurt if I don’t come with you’ she said ‘yes’ I said idont want to go with you she looked horrified and left. I tried to run after her and had all these visions that I’d handed the covenant over to Islam.
Anyway- I’m going to hell and at any time the devil could take me over and do someging utterly evil to someone I love.
There is a god there is a Jesus there is a Mary- I have seen them. There will be a judgement day and those called to his service should throw themselves at his feet- that is everyone we are all called in one way or another. Now I have doctors telling me I am ‘getting better and should be happy ad embrace life’ there was Noone happier than me before all this now I am terrified.
I’ve tried to include most things but ita such a long and complicated story.