September 19, 2009

To all that read this,

Where do I start, how about I just focus on the actual event because if I disclose everything around it I’ll be writing this for days, if not weeks or even months. What I need to tell you all though is some of the circumstances and structures I grew up with.

I was raised in the Morman religion and by the time I was baptised at 8yo I had a firm belief of what the world was. Almost all of that has been deconstructed now though some things from then hold firmer than ever. I am gay, didn’t want to be and I tried to change how and who I was. I prayed, I tried blocking it all out, ect.. No luck at all. Then I tried to proove it all wrong, for years I tried, with some but little success.

Fast forward to 26yo. I came out 2 years before this and started my first relationship, lasted about 18 months and ended very badly. My world seemed to have come crashing down and I hit rock bottom. I started to think back to GOD and what I had done. By this time I had tried to kill myself, been in a gay relationship, stolen things from shops in my adolessence and all number of things I could think of as sins. I was certain that GOD hated me. And crying inside, howling to myself and thinking that I’m not even sure who, how or what GOD is. What I was sure of though was the intension of my thought. I was meditating and praying without cease to good, holy, love, light and so on, thinking if there is a GOD, he could power through all of this noise in my head and in my life and break through to me.

That’s when I was taken. That’s the only way I can put it because that is what happened. I was in bed when I heard a voice, loud and clear just say “Thankyou.” I was startled and then I felt as though I was taken over. I was wide awake, becalmed at first, relaxed even, until I started to be moved physically. Now I’m frightened, I started to shake and I could not speak (I wanted to scream for help.). I was moved slowly at first and I was going faster and faster, so fast I could not see where I was going, but I could feel the wind rush by me at such speed that it was impossible to breathe while looking forward.

Then I stopped. Standing bare foot on loose rocks on what seemed to be a mountains side. Then I realized that there was a light in the distance ahead of me, and after the wind and speed I just traveled I found it hard to focus for a few seconds (more than 30, less than a minute). Then as I tried to focus more I became even more frightend than I was already (I still couldn’t speak) as i thought could this be something to do with GOD. And then I remembered what I was thinking earlier “if there is a GOD, he could power through all of this noise in my head and in my life and break through to me.” and I could make out a small tree in the light and then I noticed a bright light with and outline of a person comming around from behind it. At this point I wanted to hide, run, get out of there as I was feeling very insufficiant, but I was froze still and bolt upright. And he spoke “I DO NOT HATE YOU.” so loud that the rocks I was standing on shook and he almost deaffend me and I was sure that I was dead now. But, he followed what he said above, this time speaking so softly and gentley “I love you, as I love all my children. No more, no less, each the same”, this whole time talking he walked toward me but his feet did not touch the ground and when he was directley in front of me he stated “Do not be afraid, I am the light and life of the world, the beginning and the end, the alfa and the omega, the sun, I am YAHWEH” and he spoke very calmly and he touched me on my right side near my lowest rib, where he touched it burnt me but I was strangely calm now and didn’t care for pain that I felt. Then I felt a great sence of knowlage and what seemed to be his love for all that is.
The Painting “Nature of Mind” by the fabulous Alex Grey
I will not go more into what was told to me or what I saw and felt after the above. Suffice to say, he took me back to my bedroom and I got back into bed and he spoke words over me that I could not understand.

In the morning I felt tired and I thought that I must have gone mad. I got up and went to the toilet, to my fright there was a mark right where he touched me and it hurt, rather a burning feeling. The mark lasted 3 days.

This, what I have written above happened about 8 years ago. And in all the time that has passed, I am only sure now that I’m not mad and wasn’t then. But my view of the world had changed and keeps changing since then. There were no drugs or anything of the sort involved.

I don’t know what you may make of what happend to me there, but it happened and I am telling the truth. All I hope is that I will feel his love again.

Thankyou for reading.

My name is Benjamin and my email is